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Comparison -the familiar foe of all moms across the globe.
Comparison is always there to rob your sense of achievement and the joys of motherhood. Whether it pounces on you through your own thoughts, your spouse, your in-laws, your family or some random stranger (hey, it happens)... it comes to us all.
Social media doesn't make it any easier. Those perfectly tidy living rooms with the toddler playing with one toy, keeping himself busy while mama gets a candid shot of her peaceful afternoon. You look at this picture while you get 2 minutes on the toilet, most likely with the company of your little one, and wonder how in the heck you are missing the mark here.
You reach to grab your triple re-heated coffee while assessing yourself against this "perfect mom world" that we all think each other lives in.
All the while, you decided it's enough to take a picture of the one square foot of your house that is clean, with your coffee in your favorite mug -because, well, it IS a perk in your day and at least ya got that!
The thoughts keep roaming while you go about your day. How is this Instagram child wearing matching socks? Eating quinoa for breakfast?
How is that mom able to be out and about, looking so all-together with that bangin' outfit AND full face of make-up on?! How does she do it? She had THREE BABIES. I have two and, in this moment, I'm prayin' hubby is ok with pizza for dinner.
This toxic thinking imposes itself and infects us like a disease, sometimes even becoming so normal that it goes undetected. It's a breeding ground for envy, disappointment, bitterness, and jealousy.
We are all tempted to compare- but motherhood has its way of taking this temptation to a whole new level. You can't help but feel the heavy weight of this thing bear down on your soul, like a chubby little human who suddenly feels the need to sit on your face in the morning.
Well, we need slay the head of this monster my friends, because not only is comparison toxic, but it's irrational, and I'm about to tell you why.
How it all Starts
Basically, we witness an isolated moment of someone's life and then we add onto it, a facade of how that person lives.
In essence, we create an illusion.
We remain in this state of illusion in our heads, and then we assess ourselves according to it. We think of their perfect house and their perfect breakfast and their perfect decor and their perfect getaway and their perfect, non-argumentative families, and their perfect LIVES. Then we ask ourselves "How? How do they do that? "- never truly able to answer, because again, illusion, so then we have to make up the "how" and then compare ourselves and how we just don't.
Match.
Up.
*Deep breath*
So this snapshot, that we make a movie of, in our heads, and then try to match ourselves to... leads to great disappointment in ourselves, our families, and our lives... what a shame!
Besides the fact that we assume how people live by what we see, there is more to it, and I believe that by breaking some things down for you, you'll be relieved to see that there is no point in even GOING THERE anymore! Hellooo, freedom!
Here is the simple, liberating truth that will free you from the temptation to compare yourself again:
When we compare, we disregard something very important -the different variables in each others lives. They boil down to four components: circumstances of life, standards, battles, and seasons.
Circumstances
We don't all live in the same world. Well, we do. But you know what I'm saying.
Our lives are so different from one another because we have different jobs, different families, different husbands, different children, different amounts of children, and a bunch of other stuff!
So the mom who works is going to inevitably have a different schedule/parameters than a mom who is stay-at-home. The breast-feeding mom has different challenges than formula fed. We have different husbands who have different needs and expectations. Some families have six kids, four kids, two kids (sorry odd numbers, I left y'all out)- this makes a HUGE difference on what an outting looks like, what simple freedoms look like, and so many other dynamics.
Some of us have family that is local and helps watch the kids. Some people have no family. Some have money to hire a nanny or babysitter and others don't. And of course, we have my all-time heros.... the single moms, who have to play two roles for their child/children.
So do you guys get my point here? We all live under different circumstances that dictate our lives to an extent. We don't know these intricacies of others lives, so it's pointless to compare because at the end of the day we are not truly comparing apples to apples.
Our lives are so different actually, that when we isolate one variable, which is truly attached to other variables in our lives.. we compare inaccurately. The mom who can't seem to wrap her head around why another mom's kitchen is so clean doesn't see that the other mom spends less time making home-cooked meals and buying more pre-packed meals to eliminate time in the kitchen. This is just one example of countless other circumstances that could be compared to one another.
Standards
We all have our non-negotiables in life. Whether it's cleanliness, organic eating, organization, coffee consumption.. we all got something.
We all have that OCD friend that wipes her child's mouth after every bite they take, fold the laundry right when it pops out of the dryer, and has that neat and tidy house.
Then we have the crunchies. Organic is a must. They must puree their baby's own food, nothing store-bought. DIY baby wipes. Cloth diapers so we don't harm the environment and somehow, they also have a garden. I look up to you ladies, I really do. I'm not joking. I have crunchy tendencies but I'm just a poser, not the real thing. Mad props.
We have the mamas that are firm cry-it-out-ers and we have the co-sleepers and the mamas who tend to their baby at the first gasp of distress.. and all of the in-betweens! Let me tell you something. Something that I don't really have to tell you, because you get it. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. You know it, I know it... if you're a mom- YOU KNOW IT. For some, this reality is perpetuated far into the future. You didn't see it coming, but ya got a bad sleeper. That was my reality up until my son was 2. I decided at 15 months that I would just start sleeping in his toddler bed with him when he woke up at 3am. Life changed at that point! There was 20% more life in me from that day on. Some mamas handle sleep deprivation better than others but at the end of the day, sleep is a standard that everyone needs and does not function healthily (mind, soul, and body) without.
These particular non-negotiables in our lives are yet another variable that make our lives look oh-so different, further confirming that comparison is senseless! One mom throws her diaper in the trash while another washes poop off it and throws it in the wash. One mom makes home made kale chips while the other is reorganizing the house. One mom is up several hours in the night while the other trained her baby to soothe herself.
We dedicate time to our standards, and while we spend our time in one place, we don't spend it in another. The hour our friend spent curling her hair and doing her makeup, we were bouncing our inconsolable baby. Where one mom baked kale chips, the other was working out at the gym- because that is a big priority in her life. Do you see the picture I'm trying to paint? Hopefully it's getting clearer!
Battles
We all fight our different battles. You may have a strong-willed child that other people just don't understand. Especially your friend with the naturally happy, easy going, "falls-asleep-wherever-you-lay-him" baby. Perhaps you deal with the very real battle of anxiety or depression. Maybe you have marital issues. Maybe you are an introvert and get tired very easily in social environments. Maybe you are in deep financial trouble. Maybe you are heavily sleep deprived and every step in your day is a challenge.
There are so many issues that we don't see, very real battles that people fight daily. We look at that Instagram photo, but we don't see the challenges each other faces. They are there, believe me.
We don't live with each other's husbands or children. We deal with different issues, have help that is behind the scenes (or not), and live according to the standards we think are important to our lives. Where you may feel alone in your battle, you surely are not- and if someone doesn't have to fight the same battle as you, they have their own.
Seasons
Something else we should take note of, is that we all have different seasons of life. Newborn season is different than elementary school season. We have seasons of victory and seasons of testing. Seasons of celebration and ease, and seasons of mourning, searching, and struggle.
Don't make the mistake of comparing your "winter season" to another's "spring season"! They all come and go. When you just give birth, you take it easy, bond with your baby- it's not time to hit the beach or take a vacay. And that's ok. Those days will come. Lean into your season and have peace in it, doing what you know to do. Don't let comparison impose any pressure or judgement on what you should or shouldn't be doing. You are not in someone else's season. Take what's in front of you, and do what you know to do, the best way that you can do it!
So... What now?
Hopefully what you read will give you some peace of mind next time our lil' ole foe comparison tries to make it's way into our day and rob us of peace.
What are some other ways to help hedge ourselves against this unmerciful assessment?
One word: Relationship.
Open your heart to someone you trust in your life, perhaps in the same season, or one who has lived through it and can relate to what you are going through.
Get vulnerable. I think you will be surprised to find that you are not the only one to be living through what you are living through. We just assume we are the only ones most of the time, but if we just open our hearts and share our battles and situations (again, with someone that loves us- someone you can trust) you will come to find that they probably have dealt with or are dealing with the same things.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this post, especially if it encouraged you in any way. Always remember... mama knows best!